Inland Empire

I watched Inland Empire by myself a couple of weeks ago, mainly due to the fact that H. won't watch David Lynch with me and Alex gave up on the movie about thirty minutes in. Actually, when I texted him to say that I was watching it, he texted back with, "I straight up turned that garbage off."
So, Inland Empire. I love David Lynch as much as the next girl (okay, so I love David Lynch waaaay more than the next girl), but Inland Empire is weird. And not weird like the rest of his movies. Weird like, why did he use that camera? And why is it three hours long? (Alex's response: "He forgot to edit it.")I tried to find the weirdest/scariest part on youtube to show the world, but apparently no one has posted it (hint: it's the part with Laura Dern's distorted face superimposed on the face of that dude she shoots. Oops, spoiler!). So instead here is this part, which pretty much sums up what you are getting into:

There's some cool music throughout, and I liked all the actors, but for me it just didn't feel like a movie. Although, Alex, I don't know how far you actually got in the movie, but there are definitely tits. And a monkey at the end. So maybe you might want to give it a second chance?

Things We Actually Don't Like

Based on this trailer, how could Rhinestone NOT be our favorite movie?

Just based on that trailer, and the fact that we love Sylvester Stallone projects (see: my favorite movie, Staying Alive), this should have been a great film. There were some good parts, don't get me wrong, but overall there were just not enough laughably bad parts and too many boring parts.
But at least we'll always have this:

Things Will Never Be the Same Again

Classic MM. I hope that's his real apartment. When you're Michael McDonald, you must remember to use four focal points when decorating a room. Giant skyline mural, huge piano, weird fake tree, beard. He should host his own design show. Mom would watch it (she watches every design show).


PS: Alex told me he's going to change his screenname to BonerJuicer09. So...if you get an IM from BonerJuicer09, it's him.

Something Really Weird Happened...

which was that Alex and I missed SNL last night. I can't remember the last time that happened (which should tell you a little about my social life AND how much I like comedy, but really the former more than the latter). But it was worth it, because we went to see muthaeffin' Girl Talk.
Alex will have to give his own review of the concert, because his experience was a bit different from mine. This is mainly because H. and I were in the balcony, with all the oldies. Crowd surfing, stage diving---I'm too old for that shit. And after an unfortunate experience at a VHS or Beta show that resulted in me getting elbowed in the face AND having beer spilled in my eye, I have serious doubts about H.'s willingness/ability to keep me out of harm's way. Anyway, it was awesome, there was a lot of dancing, and definitely a lot of douchers. Alex took some pictures, so maybe he'll post them. Photoblog time!

You Don't Know Him, but Michael McDonald is Your Brother

A couple of years ago, I had an office job where I spent a lot of time in the copy room. The office across the hall was always blasting the same two songs on repeat: Takin' it to the Streets and another Doobie Brothers song. This definitely seemed super weird to me, because although I was a Doobie fan (aren't we all?), Takin' it to the Streets wasn't my favorite and listening to it all day seemed excessive.
Fast forward two years. I now have another office job where I have to (/get to) listen to Mix 106 all day. Mix 106 is our area's smooth rock station, and they play a lot of the Doobies. And a LOT of Takin' it to the Streets. And right now, I would like to apologize to the lady in that office, because now I Get It. I am officially on the street that Michael McDonald is takin' it to, and I'm ready to party as hard as these people:




Note Carly Simon and James Taylor, presumably in happier times. Also, if you are ever Youtube-ing the Doobies, don't watch their newer performances. Michael McDonald looks like someone from MadTV doing a Michael McDonald impression, ouch, sorry.

Winfrey Recipe: Hot Toddy

The hot toddy is kind of a cure-all around the Winfrey house, but basically just for me and Mom, since everyone else thinks they're gross. But here's the truth: they aren't gross, and they will heal you. Scientifically (or whatever) the fact that these ingredients make you feel better (at least temporarily) makes sense, but you are going to have to do a lot of psychological work as well. So the hot toddy is half placebo, half magic, but whatever. Once I drank two, fell asleep, and woke up feeling completely better, so my faith in the power of the toddy is unshakeable. Here's the recipe. Take two and call me in the morning (to say thanks).

You will need to get:
some hot water (either boiling, or almost boiling. Your pick!)
tea bag (optional! This recipe encourages creativity, so go ahead and make a few decisions)
lemon juice
honey (no, not sugar. I know I said the recipe was all loosey-goosey, but not on this part)
whiskey (or any other alcohol)

First, heat up a cup of water, probably in the microwave because you aren't the kind of person who uses the stovetop to make tea. Next, put in the tea bag (heehee) if you're using it and steep it for however long you feel like. Take that shit out of there before you put all the other ingredients in, otherwise this is going to get messy and sticky. Now add some honey--way more honey than you think you need. I mean, you're going to put in some and think, This looks like enough. It won't be enough. You just aren't going to get very many toddies out of this bottle of honey, face it. The honey is the most important part because it soothes your sore throat (is this medically true? Who knows! But sometimes cough drops are honey flavor, so I choose to believe that it works). Next, put in the lemon juice. This does something with your throat, I guess, but don't overdo it. Use less than you think you need. Trust me. Lastly, complain to your mother about how this can't be an authentically healing hot toddy because there isn't any whiskey, because she refuses to stock alcohol in the house. Muse for a moment on how this hot toddy would be so much different if you had enough money to move. Stir it, taste it, add whatever you want, then sing Foreigner's "Hot Blooded," but change the words to "Hot Toddy." The line "I've got a fever of 103" still works, because you are actually sick!
Go to bed and wake up feeling great.

Winfrey Review: David Lynch coffee

Let's get one thing straight: this is going to be an extremely biased Winfrey Review. I don't just LIKE David Lynch, I love him. And to be totally honest, I don't just love him, I am irrationally obsessed with him. I'm also irrationally obsessed with coffee, in the minimum-of-six-cups-per-day way, so I knew that I needed his coffee as soon as I found out it existed. H. bought it for me for Christmas and made my dreams come true.
I think this review is kind of a public service, since internet information about David Lynch's coffee is kind of scare. First off, I have the organic house roast, whole beans. I'm a big fan of whole beans, because I enjoy using the coffee grinder, but maybe you aren't, so I don't know. Don't get whole beans, then. Make up your own mind. You get the wonderful canister pictured above, which alone is worth the price you pay. When you open it, you'll see a bag full of coffee beans. I am too lazy to look up how big the bag is, but it's regular coffee bag size. And it smells really strong. So strong. But what about the coffee itself, you're asking. Well, Alex told me it would taste like, "What the fuck?" but it doesn't taste like anything trippy at all. It tastes like good coffee. Not too strong or weak, not bitter, just really smooth and perfect. It is some of the best coffee I've had, but you probably can't trust my opinion.


GRADE: A+!

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Truffles

Well, Alex pulled out of the driveway approximately 45 minutes ago, so I guess I can make a blog post now. I took a blog hiatus (blogatus?) for the duration of his stay, but rest assured, the Winfreys kept busy. There were donuts eaten, elaborate meals prepared, horror films watched, art exhibits visited, and, oh yeah, Alex and I participated in a craft show. We made candy, Alex printed out fancypants labels, and then we basked in the glow of the adoring public. It was a trippy experience, for sure. Actually, I think probably like 35 people in total showed up to that craft show, but we still made some coin, so it was worth it.
Here's the best recipe. It's from Paula Deen (natch) and, I am serious, it will greatly improve the quality of your life, if only you let it.


Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Truffles

1/2 cup butter, softened
3/4 cup light brown sugar, firmly packed
1 14 oz. can sweetened condensed milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup mini semisweet chocolate chips
1 cup chopped pecans (optional)
1 12 oz. bag semisweet chocolate chips
2 tablespoons vegetable shortening

Beat butter and brown sugar with an electric mixer at medium speed until creamy. Beat in milk and vanilla. Gradually add flour, mixing well. Add mini chocolate chips (and nuts, if desired). Shape into 1-inch balls. Place on wax paper and chill for 2 hours.

Melt chocolate with vegetable shortening according to package directions. Dip in cookie balls, covering completely. Place on wax paper and chill to set. Keep truffles refrigerated. Makes approximately 5 dozen.

Much Better With the Farts

If you are a person that has inadvertently stumbled across the Talented Winfrey Family and you only have time to watch one video (I am talking about Hollis), make it this one. I'm sincerely sorry for not posting this earlier. Here at Winfrey Family HQ, we love a good fart joke. That's a lie. We just love a fart joke, it doesn't have to be good. Any old fart joke will do. But this is, actually, a genius idea: Paula's Farty.


I'm shocked that we haven't mentioned Paula yet! She is our Winfrey Family Muse. Although I do have to agree with Youtube user Quikgamer: "This is much better with the farts." Isn't everything, Quikgamer?

~*Twilight*~

Alex just sent me this video that he made for Twilight.


First off, I want to just say GREAT JOB to my little bro for making such an awesome video. I thought you were studying for finals all week! I didn't even know you had another Youtube account, but I guess parisbabyhott1 HAS been your family nickname since you were born (we all have them, based on a city/stage of life/temperature/number template). I like how you added those green curtains at the beginning and end. Nice touch, and a little Lynchian. And I'm also glad that you found a way to use all of those Twilight icons you've been making and sending me on facebook.

Then I found this, about the Ultimate Twilight Fan Search:

Stop the search! I found the ultimate fan, and his name is parisbabyhott1.

Twin Beaks

Sorry to our multitude of readers (I'm sure you number in the twos!) for posting something that is really only interesting to me and Alex (and even then, only marginally interesting to Alex), but this needs to be shared with the world. Just the fact that Sesame Street made a Twin Peaks parody called Twin Beaks is funny enough, but the best part is the bird named David Finch. DAVID FINCH, can you believe it?? No, because you don't care.



So that was great, but can I point out what a dumbo the first commenter is? Sure, it would be a great idea for Elmo to dress up as a midget and dance. And it would also be awesome to have Sesame Street's Bob, known for his calm and gentle demeanor, dress up as a denim-suit-wearing, long-haired, sadistic soul killer (oh, oops, spoiler) that gave me, a 22 year old, horrific nightmares.

Christmas Wrapping

Yesterday I heard the song Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses, and I wanted to find a video of it because I was curious about what the band looked like. But instead I found this, which is way better! At first you might think, Why am I just looking at someone's darkened assortment of Texas-shaped Christmas ornaments, but it gets better. Okay, it doesn't get better, but it does involve animals. To be honest, this is about the level of video editing I would be able to do. Just kidding--I couldn't get a hat to change colors like that. Trippy!



I think I am going to send this out to people instead of Christmas cards. But I am a little concerned at the shot of that man lying in the snow that's interspersed with all the dog and cat shots. He looks very "To Build a Fire"-esque.

Gettin' Paid

We are in the planning stages of a new business venture. I don't want to say too much until it's finalized, but rest assured that if all goes according to plan we are going to be diving into a pit full of gold dubloons, Scrooge McDuck style.

Zombi 3: Electric Boogalee

Alex sent this to me awhile back. It's a trailer for the movie Zombi 3. It's awesome for the following reasons:

1. It's nearly 3 minutes long.
2. It's called Zombi 3.
3. The music.
4. Duh.



I think youtube user lucypunch said it best 7 months ago: "Shitty movie, but still good to watch."

Puppy Porn

This looks just like the puppy on the Muppets! You know the one (you meaning Alex). Also, that video has over 16,000 views, despite only offering one puppy. Forget tagging your youtube videos with "lesbians," you need to go for "puppies." Also again, the people in this video have some annoying laughter. Watch it on mute, like puppy porn.

Lynchtastic

I love documentaries. I also love creative types. I really love documentaries about creative types, especially when said creative type is my favorite director/human being David Lynch. This is the trailer for the documentary, simply titled Lynch. The fact that there is a documentary about David Lynch is the reason I wake up at morning, secure in the knowledge that there must be some good in the world after all. I am thinking about transforming this never-read blog into a sort of Lynchspace, wherein all Lynchformation can be deposited and perused. Maybe someday, but for now here is the trailer for nobody to watch since nobody reads this blog.

Puppies.

This blog is now a place where Winfreys can share important videos. Namely, youtube videos of puppies, put to a soundtrack of Sixpence None the Richer's "Kiss Me." Alex e-mailed this to me, with the subject line, "Did someone read our minds and then make this video?" I think that is exactly what happened.

Thing we like.

Businessmoose

This is a picture of a businessman moose that Alex drew for a tshirt.

Finally, Chase

Finally, it's whutchall been waiting for...Chase's comics. Chase doesn't know how to use the internet, other than to check art supply websites and play Runescape (but not anymore, he swears!), so I'm posting this character sketch that he's already scanned into the computer. His name is Stuntman Ham and, well, now you know about as much as I do.



Chase is suffering from some major "cartooning block" right now, but maybe there will be more soon.