Observations About Ulag II

The first thing that you will notice if you happen to crash on the planet Ulag II is that the landscape is remarkably similar to Earth’s. Also, you will notice that the females of Ulag II have three breasts. The people of Ulag II are tall, beautiful, humanoid creatures with green skin. The men have large, sloping foreheads, and the women all have three perky teats. You will soon find out that it is rude on Ulag II to refuse a meal if it is offered to you. It is also considered rude to stare at the females’ three massive boobs. On Ulag II, they have no concept of money. They also have no concept of shirts, because at all times, the women’s three giant jugs are exposed.

On Ulag II, when you meet someone, instead of shaking hands, you gently bump foreheads. Also, on Ulag II, the women have three titties instead of two. While you are on Ulag II, you are never thirsty, because one drink of their crystal clear water leaves you satisfied for days. Also while you are on Ulag II, your erection never goes away because you are constantly staring down the barrel of at least one set of three big naturals. The people of Ulag II have no knowledge of Earthly customs. Still, they do not believe you when you say it is customary on Earth to cup the female’s bosom while speaking to them. Looking at the landscape of Ulag II is like looking at a more pure version of Earth, the way it might have looked thousands of years ago. Looking at the women of Ulag II is like looking at your ex-girlfriend, but with one extra boob.

The people of Ulag II are very good at fixing broken spaceships. The women of Ulag II are very good at tattling on you when they find you cutting wires on your ship at night. Sometimes, on Ulag II, they will lock you in a room until your spaceship is fixed. Also, they sometimes will take your knife away from you because they think the pictures that you carved into the wall are obscene. When you go to leave Ulag II, only the men say goodbye to you, and the women do not come outside.

When you leave Ulag II, you will miss it. You will often think about accidentally crashing your ship into Ulag II again. You also might try to do this, and accidentally crash onto Ulag III, where you will find out the women only have two breasts, but the men have fourteen dicks. Also, on Ulag III they are bad at fixing spaceships.

So what?

This song's old. That doesn't mean I haven't been listening to it a lot lately.

Oh oh.

This is a very rough draft of a potential poster for a new sketch show that I may or may not be producing tentatively titled "Baby Mountain". Would this make you want to watch it?

PS

Emphasis is on "mountain" not "baby". Like the opposite of Baby Mama.

This is for you guys.

Alex is a busy little bee because it's finals week.  It's super annoying because everyone's like, "Oh, I have so much studying to do."  Yeah.  I'm with you.  However, because I'm great I thought I would make this video for all of you.  These are just some quick little study tips.  I filmed this in my dorm room (what do you guys think of the new wallpaper?)  Also, I got braces!  I know, right!?  

Here's a quick recap.

1) Don't eat carrots for three hours.

2) Don't listen to CD players (a dead technology)

3) Don't watch turkey defrost.

4) If you've already done exams, you're a lucky beeyotch.

If I didn't make this post about myself, Kerry would.  

Banana Artist

I've been trying to eat more bananas, so I take them from the dining hall back into my room.  Somewhere between there and my stomach, they generally get tattooed.  Here is one of Frankenstein's monster that I did today.  

Uh oh

This is the first mash-up I have ever made.  Probably the last (because it's not good).  It's Magic Spells by Crystal Castles and Threat by Jay-Z.

Businessmoose

This is a picture of a businessman moose that Alex drew for a tshirt.

Portrait of a Lady/Basketball Star

Alex seems to have flown the coop for the night, going camping or some BS when we were supposed to be watching Stayin' Alive (i.e., the Sylvester Stallone-written-and-directed sequel to Saturday Night Fever, in case you're feigning ignorance). So I guess while he's off freezing in a tent with some dudes, I'll undertake the great burden of sharing artwork with the internet.
Behold this watercolor portrait of Shaq. Alex did this sometime last year and wasn't terrifically pleased with the results, likening the smiling mug to that of Hootie and the Blowfish lead singer Darius Rucker. I, however, think that it captures Shaq's je ne sais quois. Basketball great, giant, genie, and tireless crusader against the plight of childhood obesity: is there anything Shaq can't do?*

*eat couscous. He refuses to eat couscous.

A Poem From Alex

In the Talented Winfrey Family, sharing is caring. Not sharing germs or food or love (gross), but specifically sharing clothes. Chase once wore a pair of Mom's blue jeans to school, never noticing that they weren't his and weren't even designed for his sex. This incident immediately sent Alex into a creative frenzy, and after an entire night spent furiously typing and smoking Virginia Slims, he produced this poem:



Chase

He wakes up in the morning
feeling kind of boring
He sees a pair of pants
decides to take a chance
a smile on his face and a secret in his heart
he steps out the door with a wave and a fart

“Dang,” he thinks, “I look fine”
“only one problem, these pants aren’t mine”

A Picture From Alex

This is a picture that Alex drew of Fall Out Boy. They are wearing dresses.

Introductory Post: Who is The Talented Winfrey Family?

This is a poorly scanned photo of Alex and Chase, two of the three Talented Winfrey Siblings. This blog is intended to launch us into Superstardom by showcasing our works and wares, as well as our good genes.

Our goal is to become a Talented Super Family, much like the Sedarises, Glasses, or Tennenbaums. Yes, two of those examples are fictional, but that hardly matters. So, who is The Talented Winfrey Family?

-Chase, 13, is a cartoonist and the mastermind behind Blue Rocket Comics--perhaps you've heard of them? Chase works hard and plays hard, rushing to meet deadlines but occassionally indulging in a sinful mixture of hotdogs and pool water. He has the temperament of an artist, flying into a rage at the slightest provocation, but he can nearly always be calmed with the promise of a freshly popped bag of popcorn or some new colored pencils. You can find Chase in front of the computer or, more rarely, in his studio. His biggest concerns right now are increasing Blue Rocket Comics' fanbase, making it through eighth grade unscathed, and finding out when the cafeteria is going to serve Bosco Stix again.

--Alex, 18, is standing at the precipice of what will surely be a promising career in either film production or making fart noises into the telephone. Possibly both. Alex acheived early Clear Fork High School fame with his first full-length film, T-Unit. Fame didn't treat Alex well; the pressure to produce paralyzed him, and he sat on the couch in his sweatpants for years, unable to do anything but watch Wings reruns. Now that he's back to creating, his Art is uniquely informed by what he refers to as "The 'Wings' Years." He doesn't confine himself to film; he also works in watercolor, collage, and cupcakes. When Alex isn't mopping floors at a local Christian summercamp, he's most likely trying to convince you to smell gross things or making up new words for Fergie songs.

--Kerry, almost 22, oscillates between gradiose hope and extreme despair, which makes for writing that is wildly inconsistent and unpublishable. Some of the highest points of Kerry's life have been when she won second place in the Arbor Day poetry contest in third grade and when she won an award in fifth grade for her radical, anti-war poetry. The lowest point in her life thus far is realizing that these have been the highest points. Kerry is graduating and looking for a job, a new set of cake pans, and a reason to live. Her preferred method of working is to do a half-assed job for 75% of the project and then give up.



Prepare to see a variety of artwork, writing, film, and food. Our Talent is not constrained to just one genre, but instead manifests itself in every area of our lives. Please be aware that what you may see on this page is not intended for minors and may cause offense. Remember that in the Winfrey Family we do not believe that Art is merely entertainment; instead it should challenge preconceived notions, clash with authority, and sometimes even showcase Fall Out Boy in a less than flattering light. Regardless of what we post, we stand behind it.