Observations About Ulag II

The first thing that you will notice if you happen to crash on the planet Ulag II is that the landscape is remarkably similar to Earth’s. Also, you will notice that the females of Ulag II have three breasts. The people of Ulag II are tall, beautiful, humanoid creatures with green skin. The men have large, sloping foreheads, and the women all have three perky teats. You will soon find out that it is rude on Ulag II to refuse a meal if it is offered to you. It is also considered rude to stare at the females’ three massive boobs. On Ulag II, they have no concept of money. They also have no concept of shirts, because at all times, the women’s three giant jugs are exposed.

On Ulag II, when you meet someone, instead of shaking hands, you gently bump foreheads. Also, on Ulag II, the women have three titties instead of two. While you are on Ulag II, you are never thirsty, because one drink of their crystal clear water leaves you satisfied for days. Also while you are on Ulag II, your erection never goes away because you are constantly staring down the barrel of at least one set of three big naturals. The people of Ulag II have no knowledge of Earthly customs. Still, they do not believe you when you say it is customary on Earth to cup the female’s bosom while speaking to them. Looking at the landscape of Ulag II is like looking at a more pure version of Earth, the way it might have looked thousands of years ago. Looking at the women of Ulag II is like looking at your ex-girlfriend, but with one extra boob.

The people of Ulag II are very good at fixing broken spaceships. The women of Ulag II are very good at tattling on you when they find you cutting wires on your ship at night. Sometimes, on Ulag II, they will lock you in a room until your spaceship is fixed. Also, they sometimes will take your knife away from you because they think the pictures that you carved into the wall are obscene. When you go to leave Ulag II, only the men say goodbye to you, and the women do not come outside.

When you leave Ulag II, you will miss it. You will often think about accidentally crashing your ship into Ulag II again. You also might try to do this, and accidentally crash onto Ulag III, where you will find out the women only have two breasts, but the men have fourteen dicks. Also, on Ulag III they are bad at fixing spaceships.

In Case You Didn't Know...

...I also have another blog for lady stuff. It's called Welcome To Ladyville and I'd love it if you read it. But you are Lauren, so you're already reading it.

Sometimes I Wish Mama Winfrey Read This Blog

Just Let Me Have This One Thing

Alex will probably think this show is for girls. Whatever! It's been a weird few weeks and tonight I caught myself very earnestly singing along to Shania Twain's "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" in the car (it was on the radio, not on my iPod or anything. Also, I've started listening to the radio. I know much more about Lady Gaga than I did two weeks ago!) Color my hair, do what I dare, you guys know the drill. What I'm saying is we should all just take pleasure where we can find it, even if that means getting excited about television shows that won't even be on for months. Zooey Deschanel! That guy from Paper Heart who I love so much!

This trailer is made for girls who will think, "I am that spazzy, too! Zooey and I are JUST ALIKE!" except that these girls I made up are more than likely not as attractive as Zooey Deschanel and so their quirks will not be so easily forgiven. I'm still going to watch this show. As we all know, the best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun (...fun, fun).

Figurines

This is a song I've been listening to a lot the last few days. Their new album is really good. Figurines is a band that I forget about until they come out with a new album. They are consistently good, and this song in particular is a really good pop song.

On Trying to Understand Current Music

As I mentioned, I've been listening to the radio lately. I spend a lot of time driving, and it's been a refreshing break from my usual podcasts. I am completely (blissfully, as far as I'm concerned) out of touch with popular music, and when I heard this song, my first reaction was, "What is this crap?" There are about four lines in this song, and they are dumb, but I found myself becoming drawn in as they repeated. Pretty soon I was repeating it in my head like a meditation mantra. Inhale (eeeeeeeh), exhale (yoooooo). I'm not suggesting you use the mindless banality of this song to focus your breathing and relax your mind, but...well, there are worse ways to spend your time. This is a really terrible song.

So you like to dance, huh? And you need space on the dance floor, right? You just want to celebrate the mere fact of your existence, and they way you choose to do that is by dancing and wearing all your favorite brands (brands, brands, brands)? All right. Sure. I don't think I understand why songs get on the radio.

Jesus Fever by Kurt Vile

Apparently, in addition to being soft rock night, Saturday night is also when I will post lots of my favorite songs. Whatever!
I absolutely ADORE this song, and I've never heard a single other thing by Kurt Vile. Perhaps I belong to the Papa Winfrey school of music: he often loves one song by an artist, while not giving a shit about anything else they've ever done. I have a feeling I'll end up loving this whole album once I get my paws on it, though. On The Sound of Young America, Jesse Thorn said he's a twisted Bruce Springsteen or Tom Petty. Fair enough!

Abducted by Cults

I started listening to All Songs Considered again, and I don't know why I ever stopped. Every episode has been killing it, and I've heard so much great music. For example, this song by a band called Cults. The best feeling is hearing a song that encompasses everything you love about music, and this song does it for me. Basically, I like anything that sounds like a 60's girl group. I think Lexie will like this song, and he's probably already heard it because he's infinitely hipper than I am.

Tragedy

I came home from H's early this weekend to do Easter prep, so on the drive home I got to treat myself to one of my favorite things in life: Saturday night soft rock! As anyone (okay, anyone in the Winfrey family) knows, Saturday is when a lot of radio stations have flashback/70's/"lost hits" nights. Mama Winfrey is a BIG fan of this, and I can see why. I heard so many jams tonight! Specifically, this song by the Bee Gees. We love the Bee Gees around Winfrey Family HQ; Alex went through a fairly serious listening-to-the-Saturday-Night-Fever-soundtrack-on-vinyl phase when he was in high school. I was not familiar with this song before tonight, but after listening to it about a million times since I got home, I'm very, VERY familiar with it now.

This is the karaoke version, so you can learn the lyrics now. You're welcome.

WHAT IS THIS.

I've watched a lot of weird movies in my time. Around the Winfrey house, that's basically what we do for fun. What I'm saying is, I might be easily amused, but I'm not easily surprised. Yet when I watched the trailer for this Japanese horror film that Netflix suggested to me, all I could think was, "What the fuck is this?" I'm not the one studying films in school, though. Have you heard of or seen this movie?

At first I was like, "Thanks but no thanks, Netflix." Now I am like, "How soon can you ship this to me?" Bonus points for the wackadoo sitcom intro stuck in the middle of this trailer. What's the deal with the trippy 60's music? What's the deal with the cat painting that looks like the work of a schizophrenic? What's the deal with this movie? I intend to find out, but I'll probably wait until Lexie's home.

Do You Remember This?

Netflix recommended this movie to me, for reasons that aren't entirely clear. I completely forgot about this, but I remember it being really sad. I can't believe this movie was ever made. What a dumb premise.

But then I found a Robin Williams with a (possibly) dumber premise: The Best of Times! It's always a treat to see the films that time forgot. At least Kurt Russell always looks fine. Seriously, what a babe!

Can't You Feel It?

Look at this album cover. So good. Listen to this whole song.



Are you having a cookout this summah? This song is on. The whole time.

PS
Are you listening to Who Charted? Listen to it. At first I thought it was just okay, but it has grown on me. Howard Kremer's got somethin'. He seems like an honest guy.

What's this?

Sorry guys. I've been busy. I know you don't want excuses, you want results. Spring quarter just started up, so blog updates will probably be light. Tonight I went and saw a really good film though, so I thought I'd write about it.

If you have the chance to see Cold Weather in the theater, I would highly recommend it! It's playing here in Athens, but we generally get things on kind of a weird schedule, so I'm not sure if it's playing elsewhere. The film is directed by Aaron Katz, whose previous films (Dance Party USA and Quiet City) are considered a part of the mumblecore movement. If you have a brain, you realize how stupid that word is, and if you're familiar with our blog then you know about my conflicting feelings toward it. I don't want to say anything too bad about these movies, so I'll just say that some of them are not for me.

Mumblecore is such a loose, meaningless label, so I feel dumb using it, but I kind of have to. The reason that I love the Duplass Brothers' films so much is because they are able to take everything good about mumblecore, the emotional honesty and authentic performances, and inject them into a genre film. The Puffy Chair is a road movie. Baghead is a horror movie. Cold Weather is a detective movie, and a very good one.

Some people may be put off by the fact that the plot does not really start until about 40 minutes into the movie, at least that's what I gather from reviews I have read of the film. I had no problem with its structure. It's very beautifully shot (with a RED camera) and the characters are engaging (also attractive). The brother/sister relationship was fun. For me, this was a more exciting film than any of the Bourne movies. I would much rather see someone awkwardly trying to solve a mystery than watch Jason Bourne jump through a window and beat someone up with a rolled up magazine. The stakes were raised in this film! I didn't know what was going to happen!

As more and more mumblecore directors get exposure and access to slightly larger budgets, I hope that they all follow the path of Aaron Katz or the Duplass Bros, and continue to make movies that feel genuine but are also genuinely interesting. Winfrey recommends!

If Alex Won't Make a Post About Baby Mountain, I Will

The blog seems to have fallen on hard times recently. Alex has been busy with college, and for some reason I've been cooking complicated meals for just myself after I get off work every night. But enough of that. As the sign in the hallway at my office says, "No Excuses."
Last weekend H. and I went to OU for the premiere of Baby Mountain's third episode. 'Epi,' if you will (I won't). Firstly, and perhaps most importantly, we ate at O'Betty's, where we had delicious hot dogs (or soy dogs) and enjoyed the sexy scenery.

I promise I'm not turning this into my photo blog.
As you've no doubt seen on Facebook, Alex recently posted the Baby Mountain intro. As a girl that loves intros, I can honestly say it's one of the best I've ever seen. The only way it could be better is if it had an unnecessarily long montage of Balki coming to America or maybe Peter Scolari playing various sports in short shorts.

Baby Mountain Intro from Baby Mountain on Vimeo.

I am so, so proud beyond words of my little bro. He's doing such amazing, funny work and he never settles for less than his best. Oops, sorry, I think my grandma took hold of my keyboard and wrote that last part.
I am just fine with turning this into a Baby Mountain fan site. I can't wait for everyone to see the rest of this episode's sketches! My favorite involves an original song. It also let me know why Alex asked the question, "How do I make convincing afterbirth?" a few months ago.

Getting Real

I love Pete Yorn. There, I said it.
My BFF bought me his debut CD when we were, like, 16, and I kind of fell in love with it. It is definitely yuppie music, but I am not afraid of being a yuppie. Pete Yorn and Ben Kweller are coming to town next month, in what would be an epic double header for high-school-me. Actually, it's pretty exciting for now-me, too.
This was his first single (probably...I'm not going to look this up), and I used to hear it a lot on an MTV2 compilation Papa Winfrey bought and played in the car. You know how Papa Winfrey is...all about underground music and that Celtic Women CD.
Laugh all you want, but this is a solid song.

Summer Tunes

You guys, I can't wait for summer. All I can think about is sewing sundresses and then wearing those sundresses. These are songs I listened to a lot last summer, and they're getting me excited for warm weather. The Jenny and Johnny video for Big Wave is really excellent, and really creepy (in a Lost Highway sort of way)!

Valentine's Week!

In honor of Valentine's Week, I'm going to be posting about Things I Love. Alex is welcome to do the same. You could argue that is what we do on the blog all the time anyway, and you would be right. But let's get down to business.
I love documentaries, because I am a nerd and a voyeur. Nothing in the world is more interesting to me than how other people live their lives, and since other people will not let me in their homes to observe them, I'm forced to rely on documentaries. One of the best and strangest I've seen in awhile is I Think We're Alone Now.
I first learned about this fine film on Fourfour, which is (obviously) the best website. Rich does the best job of explaining the movie's allure, so I'm not really going to try to explain it too much here. Just know that it's about two people, Jeff and Kelly, who are obsessed with 80's pop sensation (and 2011 Syfy movie sensation) Tiffany. Even though her name is said repeatedly and her image is almost constantly on screen, this movie is not about Tiffany. Rich says it best:
This movie serves as an alternative to that shunning: it is the chance for these people to say their piece, to tell their stories without being interrupted by absence. Besides (and this, I think, is something that always stands): people are funny, period. Through nature, nurture and both working together, everyone's got their shit that makes them behave the way they do, and that behavior is, more times than not, amusing. You can enjoy it with a sense of endearment, not malice.
This movie was funny and heartbreaking. Even though there's the initial "Isn't this wacky?" angle, you'll really end up feeling Kelly and Jeff's loneliness and pain. And, really, is being obsessed with Tiffany really all that different from being obsessed with anything else?

Reviews of TV Shows I've Only Watched Parts Of

Skins (US) (about 30 minutes):
Like Degrassi, with more butts. I don't know what it is about this show that feels so Canadian, but even before I knew it was filmed in Canada, I was all, "Is this CANADA?" in disgust. Nothing against Canada, but I do not like being fooled! This show looks like Degrassi Junior High, but I LIKE Degrassi Junior High. Teenagers do a lot of drugs and have a lot of sex, but I am only interested in watching one of those things.

This Season of American Idol (about 30 minutes):
Steven Tyler is a gem, like some sort of wise, charitable Muppet.

The Woman with Giant Legs (about 30 minutes):
Alex and I watched this last weekend. This lady had giant legs and was deciding whether to amputate them. Given that the next show on was called Losing One of My Giant Legs, I think we know what she decided. This was really compelling, and she seemed really nice!

Holly's World (about 15 minutes):
I love Holly Madison, I don't care what you say. The part that I saw was all about how she was turning 32 and that was too old and then her gay best friend made out with some girl she hated and Holly was all, "Whaaaaaaaaat? :/" Then she found out Hugh Hefner was getting remarried and she was all, "Whaaaaaaat? :("

Kim and Kourtney Take New York (about 10 minutes):
Kourtney, I know everyone tells you this, but your boyfriend is such an asshole and also he looks like a murderer.

Sex and the City (probably about ten episodes over the course of my life):
What is the point of being married to Kyle Maclachlan if you can't even have sex with him?

NewVillager

Kerry and I saw this band when we went and saw Sunset Rubdown. That show was really weird, but I really enjoyed NewVillager. I feel like Kerry probably doesn't remember them that well (she was half asleep), but I've been listening to their song Rich Doors for a while. Apparently they have an album coming out soon, which I'm excited about! They seem like they deserve to get popular. They don't have a ton of music online right now, but this is a newer song of theirs which I really enjoy.

Hipsters

Wow. What is the deal? I don't know if any of you are still in college (just kidding, I know you're not still in college), but people love talking about hipsters like it's the year 2000. Seriously. They can't get enough of it. Talk about missing the boat. Jesus Christ. It's become that go-to joke that everyone one who isn't clever makes. The type of thing that is supposed to get a laugh just because you used the word.

That being said, I actually kind of liked this. Good job somebody.