Reviews of TV Shows I've Only Watched Parts Of

Skins (US) (about 30 minutes):
Like Degrassi, with more butts. I don't know what it is about this show that feels so Canadian, but even before I knew it was filmed in Canada, I was all, "Is this CANADA?" in disgust. Nothing against Canada, but I do not like being fooled! This show looks like Degrassi Junior High, but I LIKE Degrassi Junior High. Teenagers do a lot of drugs and have a lot of sex, but I am only interested in watching one of those things.

This Season of American Idol (about 30 minutes):
Steven Tyler is a gem, like some sort of wise, charitable Muppet.

The Woman with Giant Legs (about 30 minutes):
Alex and I watched this last weekend. This lady had giant legs and was deciding whether to amputate them. Given that the next show on was called Losing One of My Giant Legs, I think we know what she decided. This was really compelling, and she seemed really nice!

Holly's World (about 15 minutes):
I love Holly Madison, I don't care what you say. The part that I saw was all about how she was turning 32 and that was too old and then her gay best friend made out with some girl she hated and Holly was all, "Whaaaaaaaaat? :/" Then she found out Hugh Hefner was getting remarried and she was all, "Whaaaaaaat? :("

Kim and Kourtney Take New York (about 10 minutes):
Kourtney, I know everyone tells you this, but your boyfriend is such an asshole and also he looks like a murderer.

Sex and the City (probably about ten episodes over the course of my life):
What is the point of being married to Kyle Maclachlan if you can't even have sex with him?

This One's For the Lexies

Alex is always all, "Ugh, grad students." And with good reason. He's talking, of course, about a very specific type of grad student...not someone studying, say, physics, microbiology, or anything with a practical application. Humanities grad students. Film grad students. Y'all know what I'm talking about, and so does television!

Traditions

Every family has their own Christmas traditions. Ours is watching Christmas sitcoms on Christmas Eve. This isn't a family tradition so much as something Alex and I do while Chase sleeps. We've been doing this deliberately for about four years, and only half the time have we been able to see our favorite Christmas episode of all time: the Fresh Prince of Bel Air episode where Will decorates the house in tacky stuff that enrages the neighborhood. It didn't come on this year, but another gem did.
This episode of Sanford and Son is called Ebenezer Sanford, and apparently you can watch it on Youtube. You can kind of guess the plot based on the title. Here's the wonderful ending, where Redd Foxx sings "Merry Christmas to You" while shuffling about the room.

Best TV Themes/Intros, Part 1.

Alex and I love TV themes. I know for a fact that one of us went through a pretty heavy "Murder She Wrote" theme phase (hint: it wasn't me). Anyway, here are my favorite television themes. Some of them I like for the song, but I enjoy the ones that tell some backstory!
Like this one: Perfect Strangers. Also, I CANNOT buy that Cousin Larry is just now moving out of his family's home. Dude looks 35.


Degrassi Junior High: This one plays in my head every morning. Gee, I gotta go to school.


This isn't really the intro, but I just wanted to let Alex know that FINALLY here's a version of the song that isn't from Family Guy. For some reason this used to be so hard to find!


And OBVIOUSLY:


Who's the Boss?: It gets realllll creepy at right about :26...


Okay, those are my favorites. Alex, get on it!

Next Food Network Star: Recap

This is for Alex. I know that I say that about most of the things I post, but really, this is for Alex because no one else is going to care. I can pretty safely say that we are the only people who get really, really invested in the reality television show The Next Food Network Star (Sundays @ 9 pm). Alex had to miss the season premiere because he was busy being at college, and I told him that I'd fill him in. Little did he know that I would do so in the form of a blog post. Welcome to what (I'm pretty sure) is the only NFNS recap ever. Unless someone else does this, in which case let's be friends.
OKAY. It was a good episode. The contestants had to cater a Food Network anniversary party and the stars were out! By "the stars" I mean Giada DeLaurentiis and Alton Brown (who always acts like a dick at these things. I wish Tyler Florence had been there because he is always so nice). Then the contestants were judged by Bobby Flay, the wonderful Bob Tuschman (hehe) and the strange but compelling Susie Fogelson. While no one grabbed me with the force of, say, an Aaron McCargo, Jr. (who had me at "What the heck's a hoopty?"), there were some serious characters on board. Some I liked, some I didn't like, some I forgot, and some made me uncomfortable. Let's meet them!

This is Brett:

I didn't like him on the show, on account of how he referred to all the females as "beautiful," but then I read his profile and found out he likes house music and his favorite movie is "Arthur(all of them)." You're back in the game, Brett, even though you make me a little uncomfortable. He seems kinda like a drama queen, though.

This is Debbie.

Oh, Debbie. Points for looking and sounding exactly like Margaret Cho (it doesn't look like it in this picture, but she totally does. Even Mom agreed, and I didn't think Mom knew who Margaret Cho was), but you were kind of a b. As a dessert, she bought already made angel food cake, told everyone to put jam on top of it, and then acted like it wasn't her fault. Whatever, Debbie.

This is Eddie.

I'm sure Eddie is a nice guy. I'm not trying to be a bitch, I mean I'm sure he is. But he made me SO UNCOMFORTABLE when I watched him on screen. You'll see what I mean next week.

This is Jamika.

I think she might win. She seems nice. That's about all there is to say.

This is Jeffrey.

Jeffrey is the fan favorite (the fans being me and Mom). We love Jeffrey. We gasped when he winked at judge Susie Fogelson. He's a charmer, and he's kind of strange, and he described some combination of flavors as a "creeping heat." Also, on his Food Network bio he writes, "I think I would have a better chance of living if you removed my heart versus my tongue!" That doesn't make sense, Jeffrey! You win! Work that giant mortar and pestle!

This is Katie:

Not much to say. Yet. Apparently one of her favorite shows is Californication, so things could get interesting I guess?

This is Melissa.

Melissa is very enthusiastic and she has lots of kids.

This is Michael:

I don't think I am alone when I say that Food Network needs a fabulous gay man, and Michael is here to get the job done. He is obviously one of the bigger personalities (I mean, look at him) but he seemed like he really cared about food, too. Also, here is something from his profile:
Favorite movies: House of Yes, because Parker Posey is a freak in it and I love her!

This is Teddy:

Teddy, I'm sure you are nice, but you are going to have to step it up because I forgot you were on the show.

And last but not least, Jen.

Sorry, eliminated. She made green beans and Bobby Flay didn't think they were fancy enough.

Scarecrow Boat

If you guys watched Parks and Recreation last night (you all did, right?) then you are very familiar with Scarecrow Boat.  Well, here is their awesome website.  I'm sure some of you are tired of websites.  What doesn't have a website nowadays?  Bob Evans has an entire blog dedicated to the stacked-and-stuffed (will always sound dirty) hot-cakes.  Anyway, this website is good because you can download all of their music, including The Pit.  However, the best part is the links section.  I won't ruin the surprise.  

Good Job! Bad job.

Parks and Recreation was picked up for a second season.  Good job NBC!  Uh oh.  What's going on over there at Fox?  Oh, they decided not to air the final episode of Sit Down, Shut Up.  What are they putting on instead?  A King of the Hill rerun.  That makes sense.  I mean, they couldn't possibly air all of the five episodes they ordered.  For shame, Fox.  For Shame.

Heads Up

So I finally saw last night's episode of Parks and Recreation (if you're Kerry, then you know what I'm talking about), and it was great!  The last two episodes have been so good.  Remember before when people were like, "This is just like The Office"?  Well, that is over.  I watched it last night without once thinking about The Office.  Rashida Jones actually had a reason for being in the show in last night's episode!  Aziz Ansari gave a hilarious speech and wore a funny hat!  It was basically the episode of my (wet) dreams.  Watch this show like it's hot!

Uh oh

Some of their comments here are...I don't want to say douchey, but douche-like.  It's still kind of interesting.  They had good things to say about Parks and Recreation and Sit Down, Shut Up.  They also had bad things.  It's weird hearing this much criticism about shows that have under 3 episodes each.  Regardless of what these nerds say, you should always watch these shows.  

This guy really liked Burn Notice

I don't want to say that this could be Chase when he gets older, but...

My favorite quote, "She's like a big whore, and she gets naked in a lot of the shows, but you just see like, the back end of her.  Like her ass and her back."

or, "It's not even from America and it's one of the best shows."

I don't expect you to watch this, but you can just click almost anywhere during it's 10 minute run time, and you can hear something kind of funny.  

This is a long one.

Since Alex is being so earnest and talking about things he actually likes, I thought I'd share something I really like: the Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels.
It is almost exactly like this:

Except imagine that one of those characters is wearing a bandana/hair extension combo, and the other two are former strippers with completely ridiculous fake breasts.
Here is what happens in every episode of Rock of Love:
One of the girls is like, "Oh, hey, I used to be a stripper and also I have completely ridiculous fake breasts."

And then Bret says something like "Yowza," or makes some motion with his finger that implies a boner or makes this gross orgasm face:

But then one of the girls tries to talk to him...

And Bret gets bored.

But don't worry, there are more boobs:

So then Bret feels better. And then this happens. A lot.

And then at the end of the episode, either the most boring or the most unattractively crazy chick is voted off. Now here's something I really want to show you. This young lady was, for some reason, voted off in the first episode. Maybe it's because she looks like a Muppet?

Of course, I mean a Muppet with giant, unwieldy fake breasts. I kind of feel bad about talkin' smack, though, because of this comment from her on that picture:
nikkifromrockoflovebus (01.20.09 | 10:14 AM)KEEP MY NAME IN YOUR MOUTH!! LOL!! TALK ALL THE SHOT YOU WANT I WAS DRUNK BUT WHATEVER MAKES U FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELVES!! I GUESS IM ON UR MIND OR U WOULDN'T BE SAYIN THIS CRAP! CHECK MY PAGE AND IF U REALLY WANNA SAY SUMTHIN SAY IT THERE!! I LOVE ALL THE ATTENTION !1 THANKS! LMFAO! IM THE ONLY GIRL THAT'S GONNA SAY **** CAUSE I DON'T GIVE A **** IM JUST BORED SO THOUGHT I'LL SAY SUMTHIN TO ALL 188 POSTS!1 YOU THINK U KNOW ME BUT I DONT KNOW **** ABOUT YOU SO KEEP IT COMIN IT'S ENTERTANING!! keepin it real and go check my site since ur all up here WWW.DJLADYTRIBE.COM DO YOUR HOMEWORK !I ADMIT I WAS ****** WASTED DRUNK BUT WHAT I LOOK LIKE IS NOT WHO I AM INSIDE SO HIDE BEHIND UR COMPUTERS AND DO WHAT U DO BEST SIPPIN ON THAT HATERADE .. MAYBE YOU'LL SEE SUMTHIN DIFFERENT BUT I DONT REALLY GIVE A RATS ASS FREE PUBLICITY ! MUAH!! BESOS XOXO LUV THE HATERS AND MY FANS! KEEP IT COMIN ! LUV IN IT!

Well, okay. I guess she is not a scary, hypersexualized Muppet on the INSIDE, and that's what counts.
In all honesty, any criticism of these ladies does feel a little too easy, because the vast majority of them are strippers who are, no doubt, looking for the gravy train to lift them up out of their lives. Bret Michaels, I appoint you Sir Gravy Train. But still, they are all straight up bitches who wear ridiculous clothing, so my sympathy can only go so far.
Who's willing to have sex with an aging, diabetic "rock star" in order to become "famous" for approximately two months?

That's what I thought. Keep up the good work, girls!