Transfrowners

At this point, talking about how bad the new Transformers movie is is like shooting dead horses in a bucket. No one likes it. Yet somehow, everyone likes it. It made the money, and somewhere Michael Bay is smiling, and probably farting, because he seems to be into that. I knew this movie was going to be bad, but I didn't think it could really be that bad. I don't know who to blame for this film, and I feel bad pointing fingers at anyone, but I can honestly say that this is the only time I have ever felt bad for supporting a film with my money.

I knew things were going to be bad when I saw the robot that farted, and I LOVE farts. These robot farts just seemed...oh, I don't know, immature? Then things got worse. There was a scene of two dogs humping each other while sitting on top of a birdhouse that was elevated at least four feet from the ground. This shot was literally about 1.5 seconds long, and occured in the middle of an intense battle scene. In case you were wondering, there was no explanation as to how those dogs got up there, or how they intended to get down. They probably farted each other off the birdhouse and landed on the soft cushion of Megan Fox's cleavage.

It felt like this film was written at a middleschool slumber party. Kevin convinced Zach to turn off the softcore porn long enough to drink some Red Bull and pound out the screen play, and then they shot it the next morning, boners still intact. Oh, and it was blatantly racist.

You know how sometimes, people are like, "That cartoon is racist!" and you're like, "Yeah, I guess maybe it could be...?" Well, there's no question here. These two characters are twins named Skids and Mudflap, and they speak in the style of a horrible African American stereotype. In addition to this, they have huge buck teeth, and large ears. They also admit that they, "don't do much readin'." Jesus Christ. It's not just the robots either. There is an African American man who works at a deli that looks like a human version of these characters, complete with buck teeth.

The crazy thing is, there were some interesting people in this movie. A.D. Miles was in it! Tom Kenney voiced one of the twins! Steve Buscemi voiced a little robot! John Turturro! What happened? The movie didn't even follow its own ridiclous logic, and it wasn't even fun-bad. It was just insultingly terrible and long and boring. I offered myself completely to this movie, and it dry humped me for 150 minutes.