Next Food Network Star: Recap

This is for Alex. I know that I say that about most of the things I post, but really, this is for Alex because no one else is going to care. I can pretty safely say that we are the only people who get really, really invested in the reality television show The Next Food Network Star (Sundays @ 9 pm). Alex had to miss the season premiere because he was busy being at college, and I told him that I'd fill him in. Little did he know that I would do so in the form of a blog post. Welcome to what (I'm pretty sure) is the only NFNS recap ever. Unless someone else does this, in which case let's be friends.
OKAY. It was a good episode. The contestants had to cater a Food Network anniversary party and the stars were out! By "the stars" I mean Giada DeLaurentiis and Alton Brown (who always acts like a dick at these things. I wish Tyler Florence had been there because he is always so nice). Then the contestants were judged by Bobby Flay, the wonderful Bob Tuschman (hehe) and the strange but compelling Susie Fogelson. While no one grabbed me with the force of, say, an Aaron McCargo, Jr. (who had me at "What the heck's a hoopty?"), there were some serious characters on board. Some I liked, some I didn't like, some I forgot, and some made me uncomfortable. Let's meet them!

This is Brett:

I didn't like him on the show, on account of how he referred to all the females as "beautiful," but then I read his profile and found out he likes house music and his favorite movie is "Arthur(all of them)." You're back in the game, Brett, even though you make me a little uncomfortable. He seems kinda like a drama queen, though.

This is Debbie.

Oh, Debbie. Points for looking and sounding exactly like Margaret Cho (it doesn't look like it in this picture, but she totally does. Even Mom agreed, and I didn't think Mom knew who Margaret Cho was), but you were kind of a b. As a dessert, she bought already made angel food cake, told everyone to put jam on top of it, and then acted like it wasn't her fault. Whatever, Debbie.

This is Eddie.

I'm sure Eddie is a nice guy. I'm not trying to be a bitch, I mean I'm sure he is. But he made me SO UNCOMFORTABLE when I watched him on screen. You'll see what I mean next week.

This is Jamika.

I think she might win. She seems nice. That's about all there is to say.

This is Jeffrey.

Jeffrey is the fan favorite (the fans being me and Mom). We love Jeffrey. We gasped when he winked at judge Susie Fogelson. He's a charmer, and he's kind of strange, and he described some combination of flavors as a "creeping heat." Also, on his Food Network bio he writes, "I think I would have a better chance of living if you removed my heart versus my tongue!" That doesn't make sense, Jeffrey! You win! Work that giant mortar and pestle!

This is Katie:

Not much to say. Yet. Apparently one of her favorite shows is Californication, so things could get interesting I guess?

This is Melissa.

Melissa is very enthusiastic and she has lots of kids.

This is Michael:

I don't think I am alone when I say that Food Network needs a fabulous gay man, and Michael is here to get the job done. He is obviously one of the bigger personalities (I mean, look at him) but he seemed like he really cared about food, too. Also, here is something from his profile:
Favorite movies: House of Yes, because Parker Posey is a freak in it and I love her!

This is Teddy:

Teddy, I'm sure you are nice, but you are going to have to step it up because I forgot you were on the show.

And last but not least, Jen.

Sorry, eliminated. She made green beans and Bobby Flay didn't think they were fancy enough.