Winfrey Recipe: Hot Toddy

The hot toddy is kind of a cure-all around the Winfrey house, but basically just for me and Mom, since everyone else thinks they're gross. But here's the truth: they aren't gross, and they will heal you. Scientifically (or whatever) the fact that these ingredients make you feel better (at least temporarily) makes sense, but you are going to have to do a lot of psychological work as well. So the hot toddy is half placebo, half magic, but whatever. Once I drank two, fell asleep, and woke up feeling completely better, so my faith in the power of the toddy is unshakeable. Here's the recipe. Take two and call me in the morning (to say thanks).

You will need to get:
some hot water (either boiling, or almost boiling. Your pick!)
tea bag (optional! This recipe encourages creativity, so go ahead and make a few decisions)
lemon juice
honey (no, not sugar. I know I said the recipe was all loosey-goosey, but not on this part)
whiskey (or any other alcohol)

First, heat up a cup of water, probably in the microwave because you aren't the kind of person who uses the stovetop to make tea. Next, put in the tea bag (heehee) if you're using it and steep it for however long you feel like. Take that shit out of there before you put all the other ingredients in, otherwise this is going to get messy and sticky. Now add some honey--way more honey than you think you need. I mean, you're going to put in some and think, This looks like enough. It won't be enough. You just aren't going to get very many toddies out of this bottle of honey, face it. The honey is the most important part because it soothes your sore throat (is this medically true? Who knows! But sometimes cough drops are honey flavor, so I choose to believe that it works). Next, put in the lemon juice. This does something with your throat, I guess, but don't overdo it. Use less than you think you need. Trust me. Lastly, complain to your mother about how this can't be an authentically healing hot toddy because there isn't any whiskey, because she refuses to stock alcohol in the house. Muse for a moment on how this hot toddy would be so much different if you had enough money to move. Stir it, taste it, add whatever you want, then sing Foreigner's "Hot Blooded," but change the words to "Hot Toddy." The line "I've got a fever of 103" still works, because you are actually sick!
Go to bed and wake up feeling great.