Limited time offer!

This is exciting. For a limited time only, if you email a picture of yourself to aw308107@ohio.edu you will be sketched by not one, but two Winfreys. I'm not going to say which Winfreys will be doing the sketching, because frankly I don't know. Let the pictures come streaming in. We're ready.

What Hath My Sick Day Wrought?

Today is my second sick day in a week. I'm sick, you guys! It's the worst. So I'm doing something I wouldn't normally be doing if I were in full health (or maybe I would. I don't know). I'm watching a VH1 Michael Jackson retrospective (sad). We all know We Are the World, but do we really KNOW We Are the World? I didn't until I watched it in its entirety. It's long! Really long! And oh man, Cyndi Lauper loves to do celebrity singalongs, doesn't she? I think 2009 is sorely in need of a celebrity singalong. God knows we have enough tragedies to sing them about.

Obviously this song is horrible, but look at Kenny Rogers! Just look at him!

Transfrowners

At this point, talking about how bad the new Transformers movie is is like shooting dead horses in a bucket. No one likes it. Yet somehow, everyone likes it. It made the money, and somewhere Michael Bay is smiling, and probably farting, because he seems to be into that. I knew this movie was going to be bad, but I didn't think it could really be that bad. I don't know who to blame for this film, and I feel bad pointing fingers at anyone, but I can honestly say that this is the only time I have ever felt bad for supporting a film with my money.

I knew things were going to be bad when I saw the robot that farted, and I LOVE farts. These robot farts just seemed...oh, I don't know, immature? Then things got worse. There was a scene of two dogs humping each other while sitting on top of a birdhouse that was elevated at least four feet from the ground. This shot was literally about 1.5 seconds long, and occured in the middle of an intense battle scene. In case you were wondering, there was no explanation as to how those dogs got up there, or how they intended to get down. They probably farted each other off the birdhouse and landed on the soft cushion of Megan Fox's cleavage.

It felt like this film was written at a middleschool slumber party. Kevin convinced Zach to turn off the softcore porn long enough to drink some Red Bull and pound out the screen play, and then they shot it the next morning, boners still intact. Oh, and it was blatantly racist.

You know how sometimes, people are like, "That cartoon is racist!" and you're like, "Yeah, I guess maybe it could be...?" Well, there's no question here. These two characters are twins named Skids and Mudflap, and they speak in the style of a horrible African American stereotype. In addition to this, they have huge buck teeth, and large ears. They also admit that they, "don't do much readin'." Jesus Christ. It's not just the robots either. There is an African American man who works at a deli that looks like a human version of these characters, complete with buck teeth.

The crazy thing is, there were some interesting people in this movie. A.D. Miles was in it! Tom Kenney voiced one of the twins! Steve Buscemi voiced a little robot! John Turturro! What happened? The movie didn't even follow its own ridiclous logic, and it wasn't even fun-bad. It was just insultingly terrible and long and boring. I offered myself completely to this movie, and it dry humped me for 150 minutes.

Music & Lyrics

I like romantic comedies. You got me. This hasn't been the first time I've confessed to something embarrassing on this blog, and it probably won't be the last. My biggest romantic comedy problem, though, isn't the shame associated with watching them, but who to see them with. H. doesn't like romantic comedies unless they involve Michael Cera, and most of my friends (all two of them) don't live in this town. So I go with Alex. I mean, that's normal, right? It's such a cliche! Guys always being dragged to chick flicks with their sisters!
We saw Music and Lyrics a long time ago, is what I'm saying here. This was how the movie opened and somehow we were the only ones in the theatre laughing. The movie wasn't very good (in that the leads had no chemistry and the plot was very silly) but also the movie WAS very good (there were some weird songs and it was a little funny how obvious it was that Hugh Grant wasn't ever actually singing).

You'll see that I took this video from Alex's personal website.

We Watched It: Spring Breakdown

About three years ago, I was reading an issue of Bust magazine with Amy Poehler on the cover. In her interview, she talked about a new movie she had just finished filming. It also starred Rachel Dratch, Parker Posey, and Amber Tamblyn, and I was excited about it. "I can't wait," I thought to myself right before a flash-forward occurred that took me to the year 2009. That was when Spring Breakdown was finally released...straight to DVD.

Spring Breakdown was great. Okay, there were some problems, which I will address right now. First off, the entire movie was directed as if it were a kid's film. Secondly, it was a liiiittle cheesy. Thirdly, dated slang, which could probably be blamed on the fact that this movie was written like 5,000 years ago. But none of these crimes justify a straight to DVD release. This movie was really funny, you guys. I mean, Parker Posey was a revelation. Parker Posey is always a revelation. And I honestly think that Missi Pyle found the role of a lifetime. Also, I don't want to ruin anything for you, but Wilson Phillips is featured prominently, and if you've seen Harold & Kumar Go to Whitecastle, you know that can only lead to comedy bliss.
I would link to the trailer, but it doesn't really do the movie any favors. Also, Warner Bros. has the embedding disabled, because as we all know they don't understand how the internet works as a promotional tool. But you should really, really, really see this movie. It helped me to reaffirm why I never went on any spring break trips, and it was nice to see a movie about women like me (I am referring to all the flashbacks to the three of them in college, of course).
In closing, here's this. He hated it, but look at what he's wearing.

PS- Guess who's in this movie? Ann from Arrested Development and Millie from Freaks and Geeks.

There's Somethin' Really Beautiful About That Frozen Goods Line

I know you're hurting, world. I realize that several days without a blog post is a long time for you, okay? But we have lives. Big, important, busy lives. I mean, yeah, I WANT to post a new post about Carrie Brownstein and how awesome she is, but sorry, I just spent all evening eating the pulled pork sandwiches that Alex made using Bobby Flay's (I almost typed Booby Flay's) barbecue sauce recipe. We've been so busy slowly clogging our arteries and playing frisbee (in Alex and Chase's case, not mine. Also Chase calls it Fro-Bo) and watching the first season of Maude (finally, the intro with sound AND video) that we haven't had time to blog.
Just kidding. Duh. Alex might have things to do but I certainly don't. So until I get around to writing that Carrie Brownstein post, here's a video to show you why that post is necessary. You've probably already seen this (who's 'you'? Who am I talking to?), but watch it again, okay? I had a hard time deciding which video to post. They're all so funny, but this one made a Dan Fogelberg reference so it wins.

Just so Y'all Know

There IS actually a clip of the Maude intro on Youtube. But SOMEONE took off the audio. I'll give you one guess as to who it was.