Observations About Ulag II

The first thing that you will notice if you happen to crash on the planet Ulag II is that the landscape is remarkably similar to Earth’s. Also, you will notice that the females of Ulag II have three breasts. The people of Ulag II are tall, beautiful, humanoid creatures with green skin. The men have large, sloping foreheads, and the women all have three perky teats. You will soon find out that it is rude on Ulag II to refuse a meal if it is offered to you. It is also considered rude to stare at the females’ three massive boobs. On Ulag II, they have no concept of money. They also have no concept of shirts, because at all times, the women’s three giant jugs are exposed.

On Ulag II, when you meet someone, instead of shaking hands, you gently bump foreheads. Also, on Ulag II, the women have three titties instead of two. While you are on Ulag II, you are never thirsty, because one drink of their crystal clear water leaves you satisfied for days. Also while you are on Ulag II, your erection never goes away because you are constantly staring down the barrel of at least one set of three big naturals. The people of Ulag II have no knowledge of Earthly customs. Still, they do not believe you when you say it is customary on Earth to cup the female’s bosom while speaking to them. Looking at the landscape of Ulag II is like looking at a more pure version of Earth, the way it might have looked thousands of years ago. Looking at the women of Ulag II is like looking at your ex-girlfriend, but with one extra boob.

The people of Ulag II are very good at fixing broken spaceships. The women of Ulag II are very good at tattling on you when they find you cutting wires on your ship at night. Sometimes, on Ulag II, they will lock you in a room until your spaceship is fixed. Also, they sometimes will take your knife away from you because they think the pictures that you carved into the wall are obscene. When you go to leave Ulag II, only the men say goodbye to you, and the women do not come outside.

When you leave Ulag II, you will miss it. You will often think about accidentally crashing your ship into Ulag II again. You also might try to do this, and accidentally crash onto Ulag III, where you will find out the women only have two breasts, but the men have fourteen dicks. Also, on Ulag III they are bad at fixing spaceships.

In Case You Didn't Know...

...I also have another blog for lady stuff. It's called Welcome To Ladyville and I'd love it if you read it. But you are Lauren, so you're already reading it.

Sometimes I Wish Mama Winfrey Read This Blog

Just Let Me Have This One Thing

Alex will probably think this show is for girls. Whatever! It's been a weird few weeks and tonight I caught myself very earnestly singing along to Shania Twain's "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" in the car (it was on the radio, not on my iPod or anything. Also, I've started listening to the radio. I know much more about Lady Gaga than I did two weeks ago!) Color my hair, do what I dare, you guys know the drill. What I'm saying is we should all just take pleasure where we can find it, even if that means getting excited about television shows that won't even be on for months. Zooey Deschanel! That guy from Paper Heart who I love so much!

This trailer is made for girls who will think, "I am that spazzy, too! Zooey and I are JUST ALIKE!" except that these girls I made up are more than likely not as attractive as Zooey Deschanel and so their quirks will not be so easily forgiven. I'm still going to watch this show. As we all know, the best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun (...fun, fun).

Figurines

This is a song I've been listening to a lot the last few days. Their new album is really good. Figurines is a band that I forget about until they come out with a new album. They are consistently good, and this song in particular is a really good pop song.

On Trying to Understand Current Music

As I mentioned, I've been listening to the radio lately. I spend a lot of time driving, and it's been a refreshing break from my usual podcasts. I am completely (blissfully, as far as I'm concerned) out of touch with popular music, and when I heard this song, my first reaction was, "What is this crap?" There are about four lines in this song, and they are dumb, but I found myself becoming drawn in as they repeated. Pretty soon I was repeating it in my head like a meditation mantra. Inhale (eeeeeeeh), exhale (yoooooo). I'm not suggesting you use the mindless banality of this song to focus your breathing and relax your mind, but...well, there are worse ways to spend your time. This is a really terrible song.

So you like to dance, huh? And you need space on the dance floor, right? You just want to celebrate the mere fact of your existence, and they way you choose to do that is by dancing and wearing all your favorite brands (brands, brands, brands)? All right. Sure. I don't think I understand why songs get on the radio.

Jesus Fever by Kurt Vile

Apparently, in addition to being soft rock night, Saturday night is also when I will post lots of my favorite songs. Whatever!
I absolutely ADORE this song, and I've never heard a single other thing by Kurt Vile. Perhaps I belong to the Papa Winfrey school of music: he often loves one song by an artist, while not giving a shit about anything else they've ever done. I have a feeling I'll end up loving this whole album once I get my paws on it, though. On The Sound of Young America, Jesse Thorn said he's a twisted Bruce Springsteen or Tom Petty. Fair enough!

Abducted by Cults

I started listening to All Songs Considered again, and I don't know why I ever stopped. Every episode has been killing it, and I've heard so much great music. For example, this song by a band called Cults. The best feeling is hearing a song that encompasses everything you love about music, and this song does it for me. Basically, I like anything that sounds like a 60's girl group. I think Lexie will like this song, and he's probably already heard it because he's infinitely hipper than I am.

Tragedy

I came home from H's early this weekend to do Easter prep, so on the drive home I got to treat myself to one of my favorite things in life: Saturday night soft rock! As anyone (okay, anyone in the Winfrey family) knows, Saturday is when a lot of radio stations have flashback/70's/"lost hits" nights. Mama Winfrey is a BIG fan of this, and I can see why. I heard so many jams tonight! Specifically, this song by the Bee Gees. We love the Bee Gees around Winfrey Family HQ; Alex went through a fairly serious listening-to-the-Saturday-Night-Fever-soundtrack-on-vinyl phase when he was in high school. I was not familiar with this song before tonight, but after listening to it about a million times since I got home, I'm very, VERY familiar with it now.

This is the karaoke version, so you can learn the lyrics now. You're welcome.

WHAT IS THIS.

I've watched a lot of weird movies in my time. Around the Winfrey house, that's basically what we do for fun. What I'm saying is, I might be easily amused, but I'm not easily surprised. Yet when I watched the trailer for this Japanese horror film that Netflix suggested to me, all I could think was, "What the fuck is this?" I'm not the one studying films in school, though. Have you heard of or seen this movie?

At first I was like, "Thanks but no thanks, Netflix." Now I am like, "How soon can you ship this to me?" Bonus points for the wackadoo sitcom intro stuck in the middle of this trailer. What's the deal with the trippy 60's music? What's the deal with the cat painting that looks like the work of a schizophrenic? What's the deal with this movie? I intend to find out, but I'll probably wait until Lexie's home.

Do You Remember This?

Netflix recommended this movie to me, for reasons that aren't entirely clear. I completely forgot about this, but I remember it being really sad. I can't believe this movie was ever made. What a dumb premise.

But then I found a Robin Williams with a (possibly) dumber premise: The Best of Times! It's always a treat to see the films that time forgot. At least Kurt Russell always looks fine. Seriously, what a babe!

Can't You Feel It?

Look at this album cover. So good. Listen to this whole song.



Are you having a cookout this summah? This song is on. The whole time.

PS
Are you listening to Who Charted? Listen to it. At first I thought it was just okay, but it has grown on me. Howard Kremer's got somethin'. He seems like an honest guy.

What's this?

Sorry guys. I've been busy. I know you don't want excuses, you want results. Spring quarter just started up, so blog updates will probably be light. Tonight I went and saw a really good film though, so I thought I'd write about it.

If you have the chance to see Cold Weather in the theater, I would highly recommend it! It's playing here in Athens, but we generally get things on kind of a weird schedule, so I'm not sure if it's playing elsewhere. The film is directed by Aaron Katz, whose previous films (Dance Party USA and Quiet City) are considered a part of the mumblecore movement. If you have a brain, you realize how stupid that word is, and if you're familiar with our blog then you know about my conflicting feelings toward it. I don't want to say anything too bad about these movies, so I'll just say that some of them are not for me.

Mumblecore is such a loose, meaningless label, so I feel dumb using it, but I kind of have to. The reason that I love the Duplass Brothers' films so much is because they are able to take everything good about mumblecore, the emotional honesty and authentic performances, and inject them into a genre film. The Puffy Chair is a road movie. Baghead is a horror movie. Cold Weather is a detective movie, and a very good one.

Some people may be put off by the fact that the plot does not really start until about 40 minutes into the movie, at least that's what I gather from reviews I have read of the film. I had no problem with its structure. It's very beautifully shot (with a RED camera) and the characters are engaging (also attractive). The brother/sister relationship was fun. For me, this was a more exciting film than any of the Bourne movies. I would much rather see someone awkwardly trying to solve a mystery than watch Jason Bourne jump through a window and beat someone up with a rolled up magazine. The stakes were raised in this film! I didn't know what was going to happen!

As more and more mumblecore directors get exposure and access to slightly larger budgets, I hope that they all follow the path of Aaron Katz or the Duplass Bros, and continue to make movies that feel genuine but are also genuinely interesting. Winfrey recommends!

If Alex Won't Make a Post About Baby Mountain, I Will

The blog seems to have fallen on hard times recently. Alex has been busy with college, and for some reason I've been cooking complicated meals for just myself after I get off work every night. But enough of that. As the sign in the hallway at my office says, "No Excuses."
Last weekend H. and I went to OU for the premiere of Baby Mountain's third episode. 'Epi,' if you will (I won't). Firstly, and perhaps most importantly, we ate at O'Betty's, where we had delicious hot dogs (or soy dogs) and enjoyed the sexy scenery.

I promise I'm not turning this into my photo blog.
As you've no doubt seen on Facebook, Alex recently posted the Baby Mountain intro. As a girl that loves intros, I can honestly say it's one of the best I've ever seen. The only way it could be better is if it had an unnecessarily long montage of Balki coming to America or maybe Peter Scolari playing various sports in short shorts.

Baby Mountain Intro from Baby Mountain on Vimeo.

I am so, so proud beyond words of my little bro. He's doing such amazing, funny work and he never settles for less than his best. Oops, sorry, I think my grandma took hold of my keyboard and wrote that last part.
I am just fine with turning this into a Baby Mountain fan site. I can't wait for everyone to see the rest of this episode's sketches! My favorite involves an original song. It also let me know why Alex asked the question, "How do I make convincing afterbirth?" a few months ago.

Getting Real

I love Pete Yorn. There, I said it.
My BFF bought me his debut CD when we were, like, 16, and I kind of fell in love with it. It is definitely yuppie music, but I am not afraid of being a yuppie. Pete Yorn and Ben Kweller are coming to town next month, in what would be an epic double header for high-school-me. Actually, it's pretty exciting for now-me, too.
This was his first single (probably...I'm not going to look this up), and I used to hear it a lot on an MTV2 compilation Papa Winfrey bought and played in the car. You know how Papa Winfrey is...all about underground music and that Celtic Women CD.
Laugh all you want, but this is a solid song.

Summer Tunes

You guys, I can't wait for summer. All I can think about is sewing sundresses and then wearing those sundresses. These are songs I listened to a lot last summer, and they're getting me excited for warm weather. The Jenny and Johnny video for Big Wave is really excellent, and really creepy (in a Lost Highway sort of way)!

Valentine's Week!

In honor of Valentine's Week, I'm going to be posting about Things I Love. Alex is welcome to do the same. You could argue that is what we do on the blog all the time anyway, and you would be right. But let's get down to business.
I love documentaries, because I am a nerd and a voyeur. Nothing in the world is more interesting to me than how other people live their lives, and since other people will not let me in their homes to observe them, I'm forced to rely on documentaries. One of the best and strangest I've seen in awhile is I Think We're Alone Now.
I first learned about this fine film on Fourfour, which is (obviously) the best website. Rich does the best job of explaining the movie's allure, so I'm not really going to try to explain it too much here. Just know that it's about two people, Jeff and Kelly, who are obsessed with 80's pop sensation (and 2011 Syfy movie sensation) Tiffany. Even though her name is said repeatedly and her image is almost constantly on screen, this movie is not about Tiffany. Rich says it best:
This movie serves as an alternative to that shunning: it is the chance for these people to say their piece, to tell their stories without being interrupted by absence. Besides (and this, I think, is something that always stands): people are funny, period. Through nature, nurture and both working together, everyone's got their shit that makes them behave the way they do, and that behavior is, more times than not, amusing. You can enjoy it with a sense of endearment, not malice.
This movie was funny and heartbreaking. Even though there's the initial "Isn't this wacky?" angle, you'll really end up feeling Kelly and Jeff's loneliness and pain. And, really, is being obsessed with Tiffany really all that different from being obsessed with anything else?

Reviews of TV Shows I've Only Watched Parts Of

Skins (US) (about 30 minutes):
Like Degrassi, with more butts. I don't know what it is about this show that feels so Canadian, but even before I knew it was filmed in Canada, I was all, "Is this CANADA?" in disgust. Nothing against Canada, but I do not like being fooled! This show looks like Degrassi Junior High, but I LIKE Degrassi Junior High. Teenagers do a lot of drugs and have a lot of sex, but I am only interested in watching one of those things.

This Season of American Idol (about 30 minutes):
Steven Tyler is a gem, like some sort of wise, charitable Muppet.

The Woman with Giant Legs (about 30 minutes):
Alex and I watched this last weekend. This lady had giant legs and was deciding whether to amputate them. Given that the next show on was called Losing One of My Giant Legs, I think we know what she decided. This was really compelling, and she seemed really nice!

Holly's World (about 15 minutes):
I love Holly Madison, I don't care what you say. The part that I saw was all about how she was turning 32 and that was too old and then her gay best friend made out with some girl she hated and Holly was all, "Whaaaaaaaaat? :/" Then she found out Hugh Hefner was getting remarried and she was all, "Whaaaaaaat? :("

Kim and Kourtney Take New York (about 10 minutes):
Kourtney, I know everyone tells you this, but your boyfriend is such an asshole and also he looks like a murderer.

Sex and the City (probably about ten episodes over the course of my life):
What is the point of being married to Kyle Maclachlan if you can't even have sex with him?

NewVillager

Kerry and I saw this band when we went and saw Sunset Rubdown. That show was really weird, but I really enjoyed NewVillager. I feel like Kerry probably doesn't remember them that well (she was half asleep), but I've been listening to their song Rich Doors for a while. Apparently they have an album coming out soon, which I'm excited about! They seem like they deserve to get popular. They don't have a ton of music online right now, but this is a newer song of theirs which I really enjoy.

Hipsters

Wow. What is the deal? I don't know if any of you are still in college (just kidding, I know you're not still in college), but people love talking about hipsters like it's the year 2000. Seriously. They can't get enough of it. Talk about missing the boat. Jesus Christ. It's become that go-to joke that everyone one who isn't clever makes. The type of thing that is supposed to get a laugh just because you used the word.

That being said, I actually kind of liked this. Good job somebody.

Girl I'm Gonna Miss You

I can't be the only one who watched Behind the Music: Milli Vanilli multiple times in the late 90's/early 2000's. I was a chubby, weird kid, and I was kind of stuck in a neverending cycle where being weird and chubby led to me watching a lot of VH1, which in turn led to me being weirder and chubbier AD INFINITUM.
Anyway. If you've seen that particular BTM, you know that the story of Milli Vanilli is a pretty tragic one. So I've got a soft spot for those two guys, because any of us (as long as we were young, reasonably attractive, muscular African-American men) could've fallen into that same opportunity. And Oh My G is this song good.

My Favorite Books of 2010

I've been meaning to post about the best books I read this year (not necessarily books that were released this year, since I rarely read books right away). Here they are, in no particular order:

Snow Angels by Stewart O'Nan:

This book almost made me cry at work. I maintain that the last paragraph is one of the most perfect examples of prose I've ever read. If you haven't read Snow Angels yet, what are you waiting for? I can't recommend this enough. This book, to me, was about how painful it can be to realize how much sadness exists all around us, and how sometimes we can love each other with everything we have but it still won't be enough. Also it's about high school, which I always love.

Last Night in Montreal by Emily St. John Mandel:


Lauren loaned me this book when H. and I visited her in Brooklyn. I read almost the entirety of it at the airport and on the plane, so the book is kind of this wonderful, light-headed, hazy memory for me. I can't think of time I've ever read a book in so perfect a situation, because the story itself is kind of slippery and mysterious and very much suited for high-altitude reading.

Citrus County by John Brandon:

Holy Macaroni was this book good! Why haven't you read this yet? Don't give me excuses like, "I've been in class," or "I'm working on a sketch comedy show." Not acceptable. I still don't understand how this book was so funny when it really should have been upsetting. Don't get me wrong, I was plenty worried for a good portion of it, but somehow the tone really straddled the line between light and dark. I was going to say Mr. Hibma was my favorite character, but Shelby is also my favorite character. Everyone's my favorite character, you guys. Read this book. Sidenote: As I was google image searching Citrus County in order to find this picture, I came across SO MANY MUGSHOTS!

Tunes pt. II

Lately, I haven't been feeling a ton of music. I don't have a lot of new stuff, and there's nothing coming down the pipes that I'm super pumped about. However, I have been listening to a lot of Cyberthug Radio and also Hype Men, and they all about the hip hop. Obviously, the new Ghostface Killah album is great, and blah blah blah Kanye West. What I'm trying to say is that my knowledge of hip hop is very limited, and it's exciting to know that I have a ton of stuff I can still discover and enjoy. Recently, I've been listening to a lot of Busta Rhymes, who strangely enough, I did not respect very much as a white, elementary-school-age boy. I always just thought he was silly, which he is, but also, listen to this song! Come on.

Tunes

Trying to decide whether or not I'll drag H. with me to see Jesse Malin in two weeks. This is my favorite of his songs. Can you tell he's BFFs with Ryan Adams?

A Thing I Like

Who doesn't love internet comics? I especially love Liz Prince's comics. They're funny and nerdy and smart without making me feel dumb. Alex might not like these, because I think they're more relate-able for the ladiez. I especially like this one, because I have this experience at almost every show I go to. I get too lazy to dress up, and then I realize all the girls around me are wearing cute dresses and I look like a dude. Story of my life.

Easy A

Last night I saw Easy A with H. and a friend of ours. I love teen movies; we don't need to call Freud on a Beyond-the-Grave phone to figure out why (but if we did, he probably be like, "It's because you were chubby, unhappy, and had an underbite as a teenager and you're vicariously living out all your past fantasies. Also, I'm a raging misogynist. See yas!"). The point is, I love them, and in my opinion there are two types of teen movies. Forgive the outdated genderness of this, but here goes: there are teen movies for guys (that girls either pretend to like so that guys will like them, or just actually like because they have poor taste), the ones that involve too-obvious gross-out gags, or a parent walking in on someone masturbating. Then there are the movies made for girls, the ones that actually have jokes and characters. The kind of movie that, after a guy comes to see it with you, he'll say something like, "That was actually pretty good," like he's surprised, like, what, did you expect it to be shitty because the cast is largely female and there wasn't any implied nudity in the trailer? This movie fell into the latter category, obviously. Also both of the guys I saw this movie with expected to like it (I think) because I am an adult now and I don't hang out with douchebags.

Here are my thoughts on Easy A:

-I know this is a super-obvious thing to point out, and the same thing could be said about virtually all teen movies, but COME ON! Emma Stone is a stone fox, you guys. There is absolutely no way in hell that someone who looks like her would be "invisible" in high school.

-Thomas Haden Church was so good, right? Why was his part so small? The plot with him/Lisa Kudrow seemed so shoe-horned in there that I feel like it must've originally been larger. Wishful thinking, probably.

-I liked (okay, l-o-v-e-d) all the references to the John Hughes oeuvre (but why doesn't ANYONE remember Pretty in Pink?), but they ultimately reminded me of the one way this movie actually disappointed me: not enough ~*~*romance~*~*! I thought the relationship between Olive and Gossip Girl Guy was totally sweet, and I wish there'd been more of it.

-Did you notice that Miranda from Lizzy McGuire was (so, so) briefly in Easy A? Easter egg for the Disney Channel superfans. I loved Lizzie McGuire. Can you believe that the only Gordo/Lizzie resolution we got was the lame, closed-mouthed kiss at the end of the Lizzie McGuire movie? Ugh. Gordo 4evs. It's nice to see Miranda's still around, though.

-People can hate on Amanda Bynes and her weird twitter account all they want. I love her! Also, Alex and I loved the Amanda Show when we were kids.

If you haven't seen Easy A yet, rent it! Or see it at a dollar theatre, whatever.

Best of '10

Everybody did their best of the year lists already, and I figured I should do something. I liked all the same films that everyone else did pretty much, so I'll just list my favorite film of the year.

ANIMAL KINGDOM

If you haven't seen this film yet please watch it. The trailer isn't the best indication of what the film is like. I wasn't incredibly excited about this movie, but I decided I would see it (because Leonard Maltin recommended it) and I immediately loved it. It's the kind of movie that I would go see again the next day (the next day it wasn't in our theater anymore). Seriously, every scene, every shot, every performance knocks it out of the park. When people talk about how good The Town was, and how refreshing it was to see a crime film treated with some intelligence, I think about how much better Animal Kingdom was. It's a really unique film that, in the words of director David Michod, is "dark and violent yet beautiful and poetic at the same time."

I really like this film and I can't recommend it enough.

Things I Shouldn't Be Thinking About

As everybody probably knows, Oprah Winfrey launched her television network recently. While OWN debuted to much fanfare, Martha Stewart's been quietly building her own TV empire on the Hallmark Channel.
When Martha moved her show to Hallmark, I thought to myself, "Downgrade, girl!" But this month, while I was flipping through Martha Stewart Living (my bff got me a subscription for the second year in a row, jealous?), and then later when I was perusing Whole Living (a Martha Stewart Omnimedia publication, natch), I noticed that half the ads were for shows on the Hallmark Channel. Shows produced by or starring Martha herself. So that's what the woman was doing...taking over Hallmark. In addition to her regular-style show, she has a baking show hosted by herself, a cooking show hosted by some other lady, and the show I'm most excited about:

Oh, hell yes. Marc Morrone is the best. That guy loves all the animals!
Out of curiosity, I decided to check out Hallmark's schedule. Do you want to know what's on today? You will not even believe me when I tell you. In addition to the aforementioned shows, you can watch three hours of Cheers, three and a half hours of Who's the Boss?, two hours of I Love Lucy, two hours of Little House on the Prairie, and (are you ready for this?) FOUR HOURS of the Golden Girls. FOUR HOURS! This channel does not even take a break to show informercials for the Slap Chop. It is just a straight shot of sitcom genius.
Congratulations, Martha. Oprah might have all the glory right now, but we all know you're just biding your time until the eventual takeover.