Observations About Ulag II

The first thing that you will notice if you happen to crash on the planet Ulag II is that the landscape is remarkably similar to Earth’s. Also, you will notice that the females of Ulag II have three breasts. The people of Ulag II are tall, beautiful, humanoid creatures with green skin. The men have large, sloping foreheads, and the women all have three perky teats. You will soon find out that it is rude on Ulag II to refuse a meal if it is offered to you. It is also considered rude to stare at the females’ three massive boobs. On Ulag II, they have no concept of money. They also have no concept of shirts, because at all times, the women’s three giant jugs are exposed.

On Ulag II, when you meet someone, instead of shaking hands, you gently bump foreheads. Also, on Ulag II, the women have three titties instead of two. While you are on Ulag II, you are never thirsty, because one drink of their crystal clear water leaves you satisfied for days. Also while you are on Ulag II, your erection never goes away because you are constantly staring down the barrel of at least one set of three big naturals. The people of Ulag II have no knowledge of Earthly customs. Still, they do not believe you when you say it is customary on Earth to cup the female’s bosom while speaking to them. Looking at the landscape of Ulag II is like looking at a more pure version of Earth, the way it might have looked thousands of years ago. Looking at the women of Ulag II is like looking at your ex-girlfriend, but with one extra boob.

The people of Ulag II are very good at fixing broken spaceships. The women of Ulag II are very good at tattling on you when they find you cutting wires on your ship at night. Sometimes, on Ulag II, they will lock you in a room until your spaceship is fixed. Also, they sometimes will take your knife away from you because they think the pictures that you carved into the wall are obscene. When you go to leave Ulag II, only the men say goodbye to you, and the women do not come outside.

When you leave Ulag II, you will miss it. You will often think about accidentally crashing your ship into Ulag II again. You also might try to do this, and accidentally crash onto Ulag III, where you will find out the women only have two breasts, but the men have fourteen dicks. Also, on Ulag III they are bad at fixing spaceships.

In Case You Didn't Know...

...I also have another blog for lady stuff. It's called Welcome To Ladyville and I'd love it if you read it. But you are Lauren, so you're already reading it.

Sometimes I Wish Mama Winfrey Read This Blog

Just Let Me Have This One Thing

Alex will probably think this show is for girls. Whatever! It's been a weird few weeks and tonight I caught myself very earnestly singing along to Shania Twain's "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" in the car (it was on the radio, not on my iPod or anything. Also, I've started listening to the radio. I know much more about Lady Gaga than I did two weeks ago!) Color my hair, do what I dare, you guys know the drill. What I'm saying is we should all just take pleasure where we can find it, even if that means getting excited about television shows that won't even be on for months. Zooey Deschanel! That guy from Paper Heart who I love so much!

This trailer is made for girls who will think, "I am that spazzy, too! Zooey and I are JUST ALIKE!" except that these girls I made up are more than likely not as attractive as Zooey Deschanel and so their quirks will not be so easily forgiven. I'm still going to watch this show. As we all know, the best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun (...fun, fun).

Figurines

This is a song I've been listening to a lot the last few days. Their new album is really good. Figurines is a band that I forget about until they come out with a new album. They are consistently good, and this song in particular is a really good pop song.

On Trying to Understand Current Music

As I mentioned, I've been listening to the radio lately. I spend a lot of time driving, and it's been a refreshing break from my usual podcasts. I am completely (blissfully, as far as I'm concerned) out of touch with popular music, and when I heard this song, my first reaction was, "What is this crap?" There are about four lines in this song, and they are dumb, but I found myself becoming drawn in as they repeated. Pretty soon I was repeating it in my head like a meditation mantra. Inhale (eeeeeeeh), exhale (yoooooo). I'm not suggesting you use the mindless banality of this song to focus your breathing and relax your mind, but...well, there are worse ways to spend your time. This is a really terrible song.

So you like to dance, huh? And you need space on the dance floor, right? You just want to celebrate the mere fact of your existence, and they way you choose to do that is by dancing and wearing all your favorite brands (brands, brands, brands)? All right. Sure. I don't think I understand why songs get on the radio.

Jesus Fever by Kurt Vile

Apparently, in addition to being soft rock night, Saturday night is also when I will post lots of my favorite songs. Whatever!
I absolutely ADORE this song, and I've never heard a single other thing by Kurt Vile. Perhaps I belong to the Papa Winfrey school of music: he often loves one song by an artist, while not giving a shit about anything else they've ever done. I have a feeling I'll end up loving this whole album once I get my paws on it, though. On The Sound of Young America, Jesse Thorn said he's a twisted Bruce Springsteen or Tom Petty. Fair enough!